journal entry

A few weeks ago I hooked up with a 29-year old guy using, you guessed it, Grindr. I promised myself that I wouldn’t when I decided to use the app, but when you are a sexually repressed 21-year old with no prior sexual history, it becomes increasingly easy to break your own rules and guidelines. Let’s me start at the beginning.

I felt very lonely about a month ago which is something that rarely happens except this time I convinced myself that I probably will never look as good or as young as I look right now. I figured, this might be my only chance to feel what it’s like to be with another man. So two minutes later I installed the Grindr app on my phone with the intention of meeting interesting gay men living in San Diego and hoping that one of them would end up as my committed, faithful, and ambitious boyfriend. I know, great plan right? Well it get’s better. I gave myself 7 days, à la Ring, to find my significant other.

Here’s how it went down. I first received a few dick pics from headless, out-of-shape torsos and quickly discarded them afterwards. I met a lot of guys who only wanted to hook up with me, most of them were really handsome and I should have been flattered but I wasn’t because all they wanted to do was put there dick inside me and then smoke weed afterwards — I am assuming because of the “420 friendly” headlines on their profiles. And finally, I met a few genuinely nice guys who were more interested in substance than sex. Needless to say, I did not meet the love of my life, and I did end up hooking up with a guy, but at least he was smart, sexy, and had his life together which is more than I can say for the users on Grindr.

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thread on bristol. 7 in. x 4.5 in.

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thread on bristol. 7 in. x 4.5 in.

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thread on bristol. 7 in. x 4.5 in.

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thread on bristol. 7 in. x 4.5 in.

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ink on bristol. 7 in. x 4.5 in.

untitled

ink on bristol. 7 in. x 4.5 in.

An Anticipated Self-Revelation

Prologue

I was a vagrant. I was not bound to the laws of nature or nurture. I was a formless matter without substance and reason. I was devoid of passion and purpose. Ultimately, a sad mistake of magnificent proportions.

An Anticipated Self-Revelation

Act 1

I lived, however. I imitated human behavior and tradition. I became good at it. I even learned to remember, a necessary human function that allowed for the formation of memories and ideas. So I remembered. I remembered birthdays, holidays, and calculations, and many other things. I remembered crying last night. I cried for a few minutes. I cried because I had a miraculous and anticipated self-revelation. I saw the ugliness of a fake person I had become. A corrupted entity trapped in the form of a human being. And worst of all, I placed myself on a pedestal. I believed I was the greatest person that ever lived, but then you came into my life. You came to me as a shining intellectual, a savior of my humanity, a beast of righteousness. I accepted you as my mentor of hope and courage. You ignited a passion in me that lit up a great palace of creativity and accountability. You gave me water and sustenance that caused a chemical reaction of magnificent proportions. I was no longer a shapeless dark matter imitating human behavior and tradition. I became your humble auspicious human ready to take on the world. No longer a member of the Icarus religion. I could now find peace and purpose.

An Anticipated Self-Revelation

Act 2

God, forgive my sins. God, forgive my obscenities. God, forgive my ignorance. I asked for forgiveness frequently. I asked for knowledge even more so. I searched for reasons. I searched for companionship. But as time progressed, I eventually ran into trouble and vice. I succummed to my human faults and desires and developed human flaws. I lost myself on dark and dirty streets, and sometimes I found myself inside locked and hazy rooms. You witnessed everything. You told me to be strong and not to lose sight of reason. You wished me the best, but I was too much work. I was a mess. I was an allegretto of emotion. You knew that my life would reach its apotheosis soon, however. You didn’t give up on me but I did, so I looked for salvation elsewhere. I invited Icarus back into my life. You saw that I was innately bad. Ultimately, you banished me from your domain just as I banished you from my heart. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t care about the consequences of my actions either. I didn’t listen to my humanity. I ended up frustrated, and so I yelled at you every night: Please! I’m more than you’d imagine.

An Anticipated Self-Revelation

Act 3

I was hurt, lost, confused, and livid. It seemed like I had no future again because I had forgotten my purpose. You didn’t give up on me though, but you didn’t help me either. You wanted to see if I was strong, tenacious, and unwavering. You tested my soul and I failed miserably. I badmouthed you to others. I refuted your principles and traditions. However, you ignored it all. You knew that I wasn’t ready for your words. Later you’d visit me while I was asleep, and you’d place your palm on top of my head, and you’d whisper into my ear and you’d reveal the meaning of life and the purpose of my existence. I woke up once, however, and I rapidly became intoxicated by your senses. I remained in a permanent state of ecstasy as a result. And once again, the balance of my soul was disrupted. Apathy quickly and silently consumed my soul. Like an ancient giant star in deep space, I imploded and died. And the worst part of it all, I didn’t leave behind a spectacular supernova or a destructive black hole. That night you whispered into my ear you told me I was a vagrant, a thing unbound to the laws of nature or nurture, a formless matter without substance and reason, devoid of passion and purpose, a sad mistake of magnificent proportions.

An Anticipated Self-Revelation

Epilogue

So I cried, made amends, and whispered my life story into the emptiness of space, hoping someone or something would find it and learn from it. I had finally served my true purpose.

drawing of Joan Brown’s “Girl in Chair”
graphite and wax crayon on index card. 3 in. x 5 in.

You have to lose your mind before you can come to your senses.

drawing of Joan Brown’s “Girl in Chair”

graphite and wax crayon on index card. 3 in. x 5 in.

You have to lose your mind before you can come to your senses.

sketch of Rembrandt’s “Adam”
graphite and pen on index card. 3 in. x 5 in.

You have to learn the truth before you can lie.

sketch of Rembrandt’s “Adam”

graphite and pen on index card. 3 in. x 5 in.

You have to learn the truth before you can lie.

sketch of Kathe Kollwitz’s self-portrait sketch
charcoal and graphite on index card. 3 in. x 5 in.

You have to learn to sketch before you can paint.

sketch of Kathe Kollwitz’s self-portrait sketch

charcoal and graphite on index card. 3 in. x 5 in.

You have to learn to sketch before you can paint.

an undergrad on break

With every semester or quarter there is always a “break” period: winter break, spring break, summer vacation. After completing my first quarter at UCSD, I can finally declare undergrad student status, which come to think of it isn’t such a glamorous or scandalous title I was hoping it’d be. However, I’ve learned a few things about myself — after school special style. I learned that I am great at pumping out 5+ page research based essays in less than a week. I learned how to organize my entire schedule around my eating pattern. And I learned not to give in to my sexual desires and needs with a person who lives in the same college apartment as me. The last one seems obvious, and it was, but when you’re a 20-something year old with no prior sexual experience, your gonads tend to make most of the critical personal life decisions.

Anyways, the culmination of ten weeks of tedious hard work and one week of round-the-clock studying and stress have warranted a much deserved and needed break. Unfortunately, this break was three weeks longs and I did nothing scholastically productive. I didn’t read any books, I didn’t review my calculus notes, I didn’t even finish applying to the scholarships I started. All I did was make some teeny-bopper art and watch the entire second season of American Horror Story on Amazon Prime. I spent most of my days in bed watching the CW’s regular TV show line-up: Rules of Engagement, Community, The Simpson’s, The Middle, and Seinfeld at 11 pm. along with The Office. And guess what, I loved it! After having to memorize, regurgitate, study, socialize, and stress for 11 weeks, sitting in front of the TV was complete bliss. All i had to do was watch and laugh alongside the show’s laughtrack.

The new year is here but I forgot to to recap 2013. So here is the good, the bad, and the ugly, and a rekindling of my manifesto (i changed number 4 and 5).

the good:

  • i transferred to a four-year university
  • i am majoring in something that i love
  • i met incredible people
  • i made some art
  • i gained some weight
  • i changed an important aspect of my identity
  • i turned twenty-one. i can legally drink alcohol

the bad:

  • i turned twenty-one. i am getting old.
  • i am still not at my target weight
  • i didn’t read as much
  • i messed around with love

the ugly:

  • the love turned ugly and angry
  • i had some intense awkward moments

the 2014 manifesto:

  1. incorporate art into all aspects of life
  2. learn from the great transcendentalists
  3. continue meditating
  4. be more self-aware
  5. don’t judge others even if they are toxic to humanity
  6. never let anyone jeopardize my integrity
  7. always leave home feeling brave
  8. and breed some compassion